Is Social Media a new platform for passive-aggression?

So someone has annoyed you, upset you, angered you or insulted you. You've been on the receiving end of poor service, or you have been deeply disappointed by something you've experienced...

Do you:

a) Calmly explain the problem to the person and seek to find a swift resolution?

b) Tell them directly, in no uncertain terms how they've 'made you feel'?

c) Go onto Facebook and Twitter and share your experience/vent your feelings with everyone you know?

I recently stayed at a hotel the night before running a training course, and I could honestly say that I experienced all of the above emotions. It was a truly terrible night at a grossly over-priced and mis-marketed hotel. (and breathe...) As a trainer of "Assertive Communication" I am always alert to the possibility that my own behaviour might not always be as assertive as I'd like it to be. After all, we're all human! However, I do make a conscious effort to use my well-honed communication skills when in a difficult situation. They've often helped me to turn around a dynamic that seems to be spiralling downwards, or when I've had to deal with someone who's behaving aggressively towards me.

On this particular occasion, I began with option a). I gave the manager the benefit of the doubt, suggested there had been a mistake and hoped they could put it right. Rather than accept the opportunity to save face (they could easily have pretended there was a mistake!) he instead responded defensively. Being honest, I was probably so shocked that he didn't see any reason to resolve the situation, that I didn't stay entirely neutral. I certainly avoided insulting the manager despite his dismissive and sarcastic attitude, but I was still very direct with my criticism of the hotel. So when he continued to stonewall me, what did I do? I stomped off, ran a fantastic training course (yes, it really was fantastic!) and when I got home I reached straight for my keyboard and wrote a no holds barred Trip Advisor review, and posted a link to it on Facebook just for good measure!

Did it resolve anything? I don't think so. Actually I know so. Said manager replied on Trip Advisor by insulting my judgment and accusing me of being a liar and a spreader of negativity. But did I feel better when I wrote it? Erm yes.

So what's the point I'm making here? I guess that what this experience has made me think about is the way in which Social Media has given individuals more of a voice, but also a new platform for passive aggression. We can share our views and tip each other off about businesses and situations to avoid, and if enough people say the same thing, we can even effect change. But the downside, apart from the legal aspect of potentially committing libel, is that ranting on the internet rarely achieves much - apart from a short term satisfaction of getting our own back.

In my assertive communicaiton training courses, we examine the nature and consequences of passive-aggressive behaviour. This experience, I'm sad to say is probably going to be used as an example to illustrate passive-aggression.

There's something about the relative anonymity of the Internet, where people feel safe to insult or criticise others (fairly and unfairly) without having to look them in the eye. I'll admit to resorting to it, but only having tried the more direct, assertive approach which didn't work. A good excuse? Not really. My own professional training tells me that feedback (particularly criticism) should be given in private - and only praise should be given in public.

Maybe one of the benefits of communicating in this indirect way, is that it avoids physical bust-ups, but the emotional impact can be just as, if not more damaging. My heart goes out to children and young adults who find themselves bullied on the Internet, and to people in the public eye who have cyber stalkers and 'haters' who post disgustingly offensive messages on public forums.

So where do we draw the line? If I share my candid review of a terrible experience at a hotel, am I just as bad as the haters who enjoy spreading negativity? Or am I actually a conscientious traveller, who wants to share my honest views with others so they can avoid experiencing what I did? I know which one I'd like to think I am...

Let me know what you think!

How do you give feedback without causing offence?

When you think about it, "feedback" is a strange term isn't it? However, as a trainer and a coach I prefer to put all thoughts of reciprocal feeding aside and to focus on the extremely valuable tool that it can be...

The trouble with feedback is that unless it is used responsibly, sensitively and ethically, it can also be quite destructive - to the person on the receiving end and also to the on-going relationship. That's probably why so many people decide to opt out of giving feedback unless they're absolutely cornered to do so... and even then, they'll try to think up something bland and non-committal to say for fear of offending. At the other end of the spectrum, there are those people who just can't help themselves... putting others down, sharing their pearls of wisdom with: "Oh, you don't want to do it like that", or "If I were you...". Well you'll never be me, so what's your point actually?

All that aside, feedback that is well thought through and timely can be extremely valuable as a proactive method of sharing your experience, views, needs and preferences. Managers and Team Leaders who learn how to give feedback to their reports in a supportive and constructive manner are able to motivate and inspire performance improvement and achievement of challenging objectives. Failure to give feedback on performance issues not only does not tackle those things that can be the difference between success and failure of a task, but it can also lead to the continuing deterioration of performance. There's nothing quite so insulting to an employee to criticise or chastise them after months or years have gone by when you've never told them clearly what they were doing wrong. "But why didn't you tell me?" is a common cry of despair...

And feedback isn't only a management tool. It's a skill that everyone can benefit from improving and regularly using. Think of it as the ability to share your experience with people with whom you work. Is there a colleague who regularly inconveniences you? Is there someone whose support you appreciate, but you wish it were given in a slightly different way? Maybe there's one person who you really rely on and don't want them to stop what they're doing... Feedback enables you to communicate with them - to translate your thoughts into words and to positively influence how the people around you think and behave.

Then there's the person on the receiving end of the feedback. Let's spare a thought for them as after all, feedback is actually a two-way process - not just a broadcasting tool for manipulating others. (Well it shouldn't be!) Anyone who is conscientious about their job role, who strives towards excellence and who seeks continuous improvements will be delighted to receive feedback - indeed, they will make it their business to seek it out! The only proviso is that the feedback they are looking for must be honest, transparent and constructive. They're not looking to be manipulated with fake praise, or damned with feint praise. They would simply like to know a bit more about the impact of their actions and their approach - so they can make adjustments where necessary.

It's clear that although feedback can be extremely valuable, there's a variety of reasons that people often find it difficult to give. Here are a few guidelines that may help you to ensure that the feedback you give is constructive and supportive:

• Always ensure that the purpose of your feedback is to be genuinely helpful to the other person, as well as to yourself. It should never be used as a punishment.

• Before launching in with your observations, it is respectful to ask them if they have any areas of particular concern that they'd like your feedback on.

• Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head. Take some time to think about your comments to ensure that they're fair and balanced.

• Most people feel very vulnerable while receiving feedback and so will be very sensitive to your comments. Be aware of this when deciding what to say. It’s a good idea to think about how you would feel if the same comments were made about you.

• Speak directly to the person. If you're in a meeting, or with others, don’t talk about them to the group.

• Remember that your feedback is your view, so say ‘I...’ rather than ‘We...’ or ‘The team...’.

• Think about your non-verbal communication. Make eye contact and ensure that both your posture and your expression are non-threatening, relaxed and informal.

• Be honest but non-judgmental. For example, ‘I noticed that you interrupted the other person five times,’ rather than, ‘You were so full of your own opinions that you wouldn’t let the other person get a word in edgeways’.

• Talk about the specific behaviour rather than your personal opinion of them. For example: ‘No dates were set for the next meeting,’ rather than ‘You’re not very organised are you?’.

• Make sure that you comment on the good points as well as the development areas. It’s important that people are made aware of their strengths too.

• Avoid using a formulaic approach (such as the unfortunately named "s**t sandwich") It will only look false and manipulative.

• Don’t overload the person with a list of issues. Being given two or three areas to consider may be valuable; 15 is demoralizing and pointless.

• Don't avoid giving 'negative' feedback. It’s unfair to refuse help because you feel awkward about it.

• Remember that only poorly given feedback is negative.

• Make your remarks specific. For example, ‘You had a friendly approach’ is of little value. A better example would be, ‘You made good eye contact, had a friendly smile, and your posture was open and relaxed. All these things made me feel that you were looking forward to the interview’.

• Remember that feedback is something the other person has the right to consider. They should be free to consider it in context with other feedback they’ve received as well as with their own observations and views. They may or may not accept any or all of what you say.

• If you're in a position of authority, make sure you distinguish between your 'feedback' and your managerial 'instructions'. This way, the other person will be clear about what they need to act on, and what they are free to consider.


If you have any further ideas, thoughts or experiences about feedback-giving, do let me know!

Soft Skills Training – How to Get a Return on Your Investment

A hard case for Soft Skills
During the last decade there have been significant changes to working practices throughout the UK. In order to keep pace with increasing competition, many companies are requiring higher levels of productivity and higher quality from their employees than ever before. This, together with the move away from traditional hierarchical structures to team-based working, has brought about a greater need for new skills and strategies amongst employees at all levels, particularly in the areas of teamwork, leadership and communication. Indeed, there is compelling evidence that suggests that companies that consistently value and invest in the personal effectiveness of their staff are more likely to meet the increasing challenges of national and/or global competition.

“The development of an organisation's people lies at the heart of its overall development and growth” - Investors in People

Hundreds of millions of pounds each year is spent by business in the UK on soft skills training, but how big is the return on the investment (ROI)?

Whenever budgets become the driving factor in decision-making and training strategy, courses without an obvious ROI are often the first to get the chop. This is understandable - if the results are seen as short-lived, and perhaps intangible, then it’s simply not worth the investment. Course participants may find the training useful, practical and enlightening on the day, but a month down the line? Are they really using the skills and continuing to implement their learning back in the workplace? Despite good intentions, have they returned to their familiar, but unproductive habits?

Having worked with a wide range of different organisations in various sectors over the years, we are well aware of the need for sustainable improvements in the soft-skills. We have also discovered that long-term improvements can be made, but only where there is a change in attitudes and often company culture, which can only be achieved through a longer-term, proactive strategy.

Here we reflect on the difference between ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ skills training, and discuss some of the ways we believe will help to achieve more permanent results from soft skills training that deliver the essential ‘return on investment’.
Hard skills vs. soft skills
The term ‘hard skills’ relates to the skills and knowledge required to carry out the technical and administrative aspects of an organisation's business. These include IT skills, knowledge of financial procedures, ability to operate equipment and competence in administration. These skills are relatively easy to observe and measure as there are clearly defined ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ways of doing things. For this reason, they're also easy to train.

The ‘soft skills’ are entirely different. The skills of communication, listening, giving feedback, solving problems, delegating, negotiating, motivating others and resolving conflict (to name but a few) are typically much more difficult to observe and measure. They are also more difficult to train, because unlike the hard skills courses, people usually come along with deep-rooted behaviour patterns that are learned throughout their lives, and not just at work. Individuals learn how to deal with countless inter-personal situations and challenges by observing how other people do things, and by experimenting for themselves. They then stick with what appears to work and usually with what gives immediate benefits or relief. The ultimate result is that everyone ends up with a unique approach to interacting with others. Some of these learnt behaviours may be effective, but others can be counter-productive.

Changing habits
Introducing any new interpersonal skill is far more difficult than learning a new technical skill, because it almost always involves replacing old habits. As behaviour patterns are physically established at the brain cell level, any new pattern, even one that makes sense, and one that is desired and expected, will still feel extremely uncomfortable and difficult to achieve. The only way to replace old behaviour patterns is to introduce new behaviours that consistently prove to be more successful. Furthermore, only with regular reinforcement will new brain pathways take over from the old ones.

When an individual returns to a workplace from training, more than anything else they need ongoing feedback, guidance and encouragement.
Understanding how the brain is involved in the learning process helps us to understand that the only thing that can create permanent behavioural change is frequent reinforcement - over the long term. If an individual truly desires to change an interpersonal behaviour, and is supported by the ongoing encouragement of a knowledgeable mentor or coach, then new patterns can be established. Soft skills training programmes are of course an important first step. They provide an essential introduction to tried and tested ‘models’ of behaviour and best practice. They also ignite the motivation to change. However, after the course is over it is the ongoing reinforcement of desired behaviours that has to be provided to ensure that the changes are implemented.

An organisation may invest heavily in a people skills training programme, but unless active reinforcement after the event is planned, the results will be limited and the investment wasted. This explains why even a well designed and delivered training programme cannot by itself change ingrained behaviour patterns. Without on-going and frequent reinforcement, even people who want to change are likely to return to their old, comfortable patterns.

Assessments
Before commissioning any training provision, it is essential to conduct a thorough assessment of existing competence. The easiest, and arguably most effective way to do this is through 360-degree feedback, which provides a fairly objective assessment of skills that are often difficult to observe and measure. Analysis of current people skills enables priority areas to be identified. This in turn enables training providers to deliver the right courses, to the right people at the right time, so funds are spent wisely. The assessment process also acts as a powerful tool for self-awareness and therefore becomes an effective motivator for change. Repeat assessments can be useful for identifying improvements and for encouraging on-going personal development.

Develop helpful attitudes towards change
Developing individuals and teams requires the winning of hearts as well as minds. Simply developing knowledge and skills without shifting attitudes so that people are willing to embrace change, take on different approaches and new practices, will not ensure that real lasting changes will be made. Although knowledge and skills development is clearly very important, equally important is enabling learning to take place by identifying and removing any individual barriers such as resistance, doubt, self-limiting beliefs and negativity.

The personal development required to move individuals from rejection of change towards acceptance and commitment requires high levels of emotional intelligence, including self-esteem and self awareness, and an awareness of, and respect for others. In order to assist people to accept change, managers need to be able to encourage and motivate course participants prior to, as well as after training.

In-house versus external delivery
External (public/open) courses can be particularly cost-effective for training small numbers of employees. Attendance can be arranged to suit the individual, it can be arranged with little or no notice, and it gives participants the opportunity to have a glimpse into other people’s worlds at work, which can be extremely inspiring. However, sometimes people struggle to apply what they have learned on their return to the workplace. If everything at work remains unchanged, the returning trainee will find it extremely difficult to implement and sustain the required behavioural/practical changes to make a difference.

Whilst in-house training for the whole team requires a little more logistical planning, it means that every team member shares the same training experience. Well executed training exercises in which colleagues from all levels work together as equals, in a safe and structured way has tremendous benefits: it brings a fresh perspective to all and increases team understanding and rapport. It can also enable more open communication and exploration of any conflict or tensions, allowing individuals to voice their frustrations and seek joint solutions constructively.


The benefits
Whilst qualitative results are hard to quantify, we believe there are many tangible benefits to investing a little more time to ensure that soft-skills training is as effective as it can be. These include creating/enabling:

• dynamic working culture – Team members become better equipped to problem solve positively and proactively, and they have the determination to strive for excellence.
• successful implementation of change - Effective leadership, individual motivation and improved communication brings active involvement, and commitment to planned changes.
• increased satisfaction – Improved communication and an open, dynamic working culture improves overall satisfaction and commitment.
• reduction in staff turnover - A more satisfied and committed, less stressed workforce is less likely to move on. Salary and other benefits become less important when team members feel respected, appreciated and supported.
• more efficient meetings - Open and honest communication, and effective facilitation of meetings saves time and improves collaborative problem solving and decision-making.
• meeting of deadlines – More effective communication and negotiation between departments means that targets are more likely to be met because of increased transparency, trust and rapport.
• increased productivity – Through effective leadership, improved motivation and communication, individuals and teams are better equipped to achieve results.
• saving of managerial time - Improved team communication and collaborative problem solving results in fewer conflicts and fewer demands on management time.
• reduction in complaints – Improved collaboration, negotiation and resolution of problems results in fewer grievances, and a reduction in internal and external complaints.

In summary, 'Soft Skills' Training can and does offer ROI through sustainable and valuable improvements, particularly when:

1. It is strategically linked to individual, team and organisational needs
2. It addresses individual, team and organisational attitudes to change
3. It is supported by on-going reinforcements by managers and team members
4. It is followed by real opportunities to practise “how to”.

If you have any thoughts, comments or suggestions on how to improve ROI from Soft Skills training, we'd be glad to hear from you...