Is your team Emotionally Intelligent?

Some might argue that having team leaders with well developed Emotional Intelligence will automatically produce teams which function within an emotionally intelligent culture... Clearly the reverse is likely to be true: a team with a leader who is lacking in key EI competencies is likely to experience disharmony, lack of mutual trust, and difficulty in expressing true feelings and ideas for fear of being knocked back. However, does it go without saying that team leaders and managers who understand the critical nature of EI in the workplace, and who prioritise their own personal development in this area, automatically create an emotionally intelligent working environment? I'm not convinced that they do. And anyway, what exactly IS an emotionally intelligent working environment?

Here are my ideas on the sort of things you'll be able to spot in an 'Emotionally Intelligent Team':

1. There is genuine respect: Not everyone needs to be the best of friends, but there needs to be a genuine mutual respect between team members. How can you spot that this is the case? It's often seen in the way that team members challenge each others' approach or ideas during discussions and disagreements. Genuine respect is demonstrated when all parties make efforts not to undermine each others' self-esteem by using personal attacks - even as a method of self-defence. Seeking win-win solutions and encouraging input and ideas from everyone whenever appropriate/possible demonstrates true respect.

2. There is trust: Each member of the team needs to be able to trust that their colleagues are looking out for their best interests, and for the best interests of the team/organisation. Teams with high levels of trust will take risks with each others' ideas, and they will accept information and opinions from their colleagues without insisting on intense interrogation. Trusting team members need not be naively compliant, but they will appreciate and work with each others' expertise and experience as if it is their own.

3. Individuals work for the team good: Whilst it is human nature to protect one's own interests, self-serving behaviour can be extremely undermining of the collective effort. An emotionally intelligent team will find ways to balance the needs of the individuals within it, with the overall objectives of the team. Selfish behaviour will be self-regulated, within an under-pinning culture of collectivity. Individuals will also lend their support to their colleagues without hesitation or resentment, if it is in the best interests of the team.

4. There is a sense of team achievement: Team members will encourage and congratulate each others' achievements, rather than competing for praise or attention. Individuals will generously attribute their own successes to the collective work of the team. They will understand the important contribution others make to their achievements, and they will value the tangible and intangible benefits of simply being a part of that team.

5. Expectations are negotiated: Team members are successfully able to communicate and negotiate their expectations of each other. If there are no taboos, and minimal unspoken disagreements, there will be far less fuel for building resentment between individuals. You will be able to spot emotionally intelligent teams regularly checking out each others' expectations and doing all they can to ensure that they are as closely in alignment as possible.

6. Conflicts are managed effectively: A team that has no conflicts is not necessarily emotionally intelligent - it may be a sign that people are afraid to speak their mind, or that they are being ruled with a rod of iron! A certain amount of conflict is inevitable in all teams, as it is often at the heart of creativity. Therefore look out for whether team members are able to freely express their opposing ideas and frustrations, and whether they use problem-solving techniques to find win-win solutions wherever possible.

So... how does your own team measure up to these indicators of 'Team Emotional Intelligence'? If most or all of these factors are present, then it is likely that your team is dynamic, productive and successful - and that its members are pleased to be a part of it! It is rare that these things happen by chance though. There is usually a team leader or manager who has worked hard to create the environment in which these factors can be nurtured and maintained. And there are usually a number of team members (if not all) who are self-aware and who understand that being part of a winning team requires effort - sometimes having to behave in ways that is counter-intuitive for the benefit of the team...

Next time I'll share my ideas on how a team leader can foster higher levels of EI within their team.

Reasons to be cheerful, parts four, five and six?

Spring is definitely in the air, there are signs of the dark cloud of the recession finally lifting and we have great hopes of winning the Eurovision Song Contest this year - why wouldn't we feel cheerful?

I may be showing my age with the Ian Dury reference, but he had a point I think... sometimes we need to remind ourselves to be cheerful, to look at our proverbial glass of whatever and concentrate really hard until it really looks half full. In my work as a training consultant, I can see the incredible benefits to be gained by maintaining an optimistic outlook. Yes, having a cheery atmosphere where everyone is smiling and happy makes the workplace a nicer place to be, but it goes a lot further than that. Those who are able to see the positive side of events and people and those who are able to persist in pursuing their goals despite obstacles and setbacks are far more likely to to achieve success - whatever they define it to be...

The concept of 'dynamic optimism' is an interesting one. I came across an article a while ago by Max More Phd, who coined the phrase to describe the sort of optimism that is practical and that gets results - not just about putting on a false smile and telling ourselves and others that "everything will work out ok", but a tangible, intelligent sort of optimism that requires study and practice. Here are some useful ideas on the characteristics of dynamic optimists - see how many you recognise and if there are any that you don't currently use, why not try practicing them for a while and see what results you get?

1. Interpret your experiences positively: Focus on enjoyable and constructive aspects of your life. See the world as full of opportunities and possibilities, and see any difficulties not as obstacles, but as challenges.
2. Challenge limiting beliefs: Use constructive skepticism to challenge the unquestioned constraints held by ourselves, our colleagues and by society - develop a fundamental openness to new ideas.
3. Avoid passive complaining: Rather than complaining about how unfair life is, and moaning about how difficult things are, take the world as it is and seek to find ways of moving forward.
4. Maintain a sense of humour: See your own and others' mistakes and shortcomings with a sense of healthy, good-natured humour - it will help to reveal new perspectives and will combat dogmatic thinking.
5. Utilise rational thought: Rather than being lead by fears or short-term desires, use rational thought to objectively analyse situations and take action based on reality.
6. Be experimental: Be open to trying out new ways of doing things, stay out of ruts, actively seek more effective ways of achieving your goals and be willing to take calculated risks.
7. Develop your self-confidence: Work on your self-esteem and self confidence so you truly believe that you are worthy of success and happiness, and have a fundamental belief in your competence to bring about good things.
8. Take responsibility: Take charge, and create the conditions required for success. Have integrity and live according to your values and be proactive in seeking solutions.
9. Seek continual improvement: Rather than being pushed along by fear, create an inspirational self-image and use this to maintain a personal drive to improve.
10. Create a positive environment: Be attracted to positive people and situations. Seek out people who will support and inspire you, not undermine, distract or discourage you.

These are just a few ideas. It's all pretty much common sense really, but if you become more aware of your thought processes, you may just catch yourself in the unwitting act of seeing your glass as half empty... and if you do, then you're far more likely to be able to tip the balance into a dynamic optimism - the type of optimism that will steer you towards achieving your goals, towards staying happier and healthier, and towards being more resilient to the inevitable pressures that life throws at us!

How to Avoid Bullying

I couldn't help but think about the issue of workplace bullying this week, especially with the newspapers being filled with copy about the alleged bullying behaviour by Gordon Brown towards his staff. Of course I'm not surprised that those nearest and dearest to him have leapt to his defence: http://bit.ly/JccBK5

Nobody wants to be accused of bullying, and few people would easily admit to being a bully, but it seems that there are more and more claims of bullying behaviour in the workplace these days. Why is it? Well, from my own experience as a trainer and coach, there are a number of possible reasons:

1. Too many managers and team leaders are promoted without adequate training and support - A large proportion of new managers who I meet have been appointed or promoted mainly on the basis of their technical ability, or their length of service. Whilst these things may be important to retain within an organisation, the lack of management experience and skills can, on balance, be more detrimental and can leave new managers having to find their feet through trial and error. I have been told many stories about the mistakes new managers have made in the way they've treated their staff. So many say that wish they'd had the training to help them to develop more facilitative management skills from the start.

2. The workplace is becoming more and more pressurised - Whilst stress and pressure cannot excuse bullying behaviour, it is a reality that those people who are under the greatest pressure, and who are unable to manage their own stress and the resulting behaviour, are more likely to be perceived as bullies. I meet many people who say that it isn't their intention to take it out on their staff, but they just can't help themselves when the people around them are letting them down.

3. There's a fine line between a passion for the job and bullying - There are many people who are so passionate about their work and about achieving excellence/perfection that they forget to make any allowances for the sensibilities of the people around them. Whilst they might defend themselves by saying that anyone who "cared enough" about their work would be the same, unfortunately this isn't entirely true. The individuals who achieve the greatest success at work are those who are able to bring others along with them - they are able to collaborate and get the best from their colleagues.

4. Clear and direct management is sometimes misconstrued as bullying - It seems that there are so many people who have been 'managed' by inexperienced managers who lack the confidence and skills to assert themselves, that when an assertive manager comes along, their behaviour is perceived in comparison as being bullying. As the accusation of bullying is an extremely serious matter, it is particularly important that people understand the true nature of bullying, and don't mistake for a bully a confident and persistent manager who's taking charge.

5. Disgruntled staff may falsely accuse their manager of bullying - As with any other accusation of an aggressive nature, the accusation of bullying must always be taken seriously and thoroughly investigated. However, there is always the possibility that the investigation will uncover an ulterior motive on the part of the 'victim' who has used the issue of bullying to get back at their colleague/manager. I usually ask myself 'what has happened in the relationship to create the need to make such a false accusation?' It may not be that the accused has actually been a bully in the strictest sense, but it is possible that their behaviour may in some way have contributed to the the breakdown of trust and professional rapport in the relationship.

6. During times of recession it is more difficult to just get up and leave - Whether it is a personal reality or simply a perception, people during a recession feel less inclined to leave a job unless it is absolutely necessary. There is therefore the potential for more people to feel trapped in their current position and to feel that they have no choice but to put up with bullying behaviour in the hope that it will go away in time.

7. Lack of confidence and assertiveness skills - without feeling an entitlement to work in a conducive and safe working environment; without the necessary communication skills to respond to the put-downs and snipes; without the confidence and skills to request the person to modify their behaviour, a person who is feeling bullied will not have the personal power to influence change for themselves before things become nasty.

8. Management and/or HR may be reluctant to get involved - although the vast majority of senior managers and (one would hope) HR staff, would understand their duty of care, I meet many people who say that there seems to be a reluctance to step in and assist. It is understandable that managers are required to work out issues with their own staff without interference from above, and that colleagues are encouraged to work out their own differences. However from time to time the relationships become so damaged that the only chance of a resolution is by involving an appropriate mediator and/or offering training/coaching for those involved.

At H2 Training & Consultancy, we're genuinely committed to doing what we can to alleviate the problem of bullying in the workplace. We're keen to provide support and guidance to everyone in the equation: we offer supportive training and coaching for those who are accused of, or in danger of being accused of bullying - helping them to become more self-aware and to develop strategies and skills to achieve desired outcomes without resorting to bullying or aggressive behaviour. We also work with people to help them to take proactive steps to manage their own stress and to work better under pressure, so that they're easier to work with! Our training is also useful for those who would like to improve their confidence and assertiveness skills to make themselves more resilient and better able to respond to bullying or aggressive behaviour. Finally, we also offer training to managers and to HR staff in how to provide appropriate/professional support and counselling for anyone involved in bullying accusations from either side. Whilst bullying in the workplace appears to be on the increase, I strongly believe that it needn't be an inevitable side-effect of tough working conditions. There are lots of explanations for the issue of workplace bullying, but there should never be an excuse for it... Little by little, we're proud to be playing our part in helping to eradicate it. We'd be pleased to hear from anyone who's been touched by the issue of bullying at work, and to hear your views on how it can be alleviated.

Finally, if you're interested in training or coaching for yourself or your colleagues, check out the H2 website: http://h2training.com/training.html where you'll find details of our open and in-house courses.

Dealing with difficult relationships at work

As a trainer, I often meet people who are anxious to find answers and solutions to various reationship issues they have at work. Many of us spend more hours at work than we do at home, or with friends and family - so it's no wonder that difficult relationships with colleagues and/or managers is cited as one of the biggest sources of stress. If you're having to deal with one or more difficult relationships at work, here's some of the advice I've given in the past:

Differences and conflict are to be expected
Remember that a certain number of differences and conflicts in the workplace are not only normal - they are to be expected, and can be a healthy sign of a diverse team. One of the key factors determining the success of working relationships is not whether there are any conflicts/differences, but how they are dealt with. Learning to respond positively to such situations will therefore almost certainly improve the quality of the overall relationship you have with your colleagues.

It's probably not personal
Remember that this is a work situation and it is quite likely that the person/s causing you difficulty would probably be doing the same to anyone in your position. So try not to personalise it too much. The perpetrator is normally focused on their own needs and not worrying about you as a person. You represent someone who is getting in the way of their own plans or desires in one way or another, so whilst viewing them as a person do not get pulled into their problem.

Don't try to change them
Difficult people will not change on their own and it is unlikely that you will be able to change them. Although this can be a depressing thought, take comfort in the fact that this at least makes their actions predictable. Just because they won’t change it does not mean that you cannot change the situation, or that careful planning can result in a successful outcome for you.

Try to see them as an ally
Being in conflict tends to make people see the “other side” as an enemy, and to look for their mistakes. You need to reverse this, by recognising and reinforcing the positive elements of each person’s position within the context of the team as a whole.

Seek to resolve, not to dissolve
Be clear with yourself and with them that you want to reach a win/win resolution. If you get into a head-on battle based on retaliation then you are both likely to have a miserable time. Formulate your strategy and decide what you want the outcome to be. Then concentrate on achieving this, and not on the negative issues or your bad feelings about the person.

Keep it in perspective
Keep the whole situation in perspective. This is just one situation in your life, and you are probably surrounded by many other positive things. Focus on the people who are important to you and seek solace with your colleagues and or clients at work that do support you.

Be prepared
Plan your approach to the situation. Once you are sure that your feelings are reasonable, think strategically about what you would like to change, and the best way of making it happen. Keep in mind your on-going relationship with the person, and don’t be afraid to compromise for the sake of a greater goal. Before you approach the person, practice what you’re going to say, and establish a positive, assertive frame of mind.

Clarify perceptions
Genuine progress can’t be made without understanding on all sides. You need to make sure that everyone fully understands each other’s standpoint. Be a good role model by listening with empathy and summarising the main points clearly and unemotionally. Use ‘we’ statements to describe areas of common ground and to encourage a more collaborative approach.

Focus on shared interests
Identify the things that are important to all concerned. Ask them “What is really important to you?” There are usually multiple interests, and some will be shared, which is the basis for resolution. Recognise that sustaining relationships requires meeting the needs of both. Postpone contentious demands that might damage the relationship until shared interests have been established.

Tackle the difficult stuff
The past can be an impenetrable barrier to the future. People cling on to protect pride and old beliefs. Letting go may be difficult and painful, but is essential to open the gate to the future. Demonstrate and encourage forgiveness (without necessarily offering approval), and try to articulate what usually goes unexpressed. Focus on the feelings of here and now, without picking open old wounds.

Listen to their responses
Whilst you can ensure that you handle a difficult situation assertively, it is not always going to be the case that the other person will immediately agree and show compliance. Even the best suggestions have potential problems and you may be questioned on your ideas. Be careful that you don’t to see their questioning as disagreement – or you may react aggressively (by arguing your point) or non-assertively (by quickly backing down). Try to handle their response reasonably, and assertively.

Suggest options for the future
Find ways of creatively identifying alternatives together. Listen and give proper consideration to all ideas without dismissing any offhand. Discuss ways of inventing new options to meet shared needs.

Agree mutual benefits
Before agreeing to action, make sure everyone feels that a win-win solution has been found (although compromises may need to be made along the way). Construct a detailed vision of the future. Don’t rush this stage.

Agree action
Develop quick wins; that is, things that can immediately be done to bring both sides closer to the shared goal. Ensure that you are both clear about any action that is required. Don’t rely on temporary quick fixes that are not sufficient to meet the longer-term solution. Encourage personal accountability by suggesting that you review the situation after a practical length of time – and make sure you both stick to it. If people don’t feel responsible, you haven’t reached a full resolution.

I hope these suggestions are useful. Of couse none of these will instantly transform the situation (no matter how desperately you'd love to wave a magic wand!) but they may well help to move things in the right direction. Repairing damaged relationships can take time, and always requires patience and a positive attitude. I'd love to hear from anyone who's successfully used any or all of the above ideas...

Are you considered "difficult to manage"?

I was asked last week by one of my course attendees: "How do you know if your boss considers you to be difficult to manage?”

Of course nobody would like to think that they're thought of as (or worse still, actually) difficult to manage, but it has to be said... I also meet hundreds of managers in the course of my job who are relieved to be able to share stories of all their 'difficult' supervisees. So it doesn't take a genius to work out that there's got to be some of us who are considered difficult, but don't know it.

It is understandable that many people would assume that they would know if their boss thought badly of them, but in my experience many managers avoid telling their staff what they’re really thinking - especially if it's not all that positive. So why would we want to know the uncomfortable truth? Isn't is just easier to keep your head down, get on with your job and deal with the day-to-day interactions without 'navel-gazing' or worrying unduly about what our boss might think about us? My opinion is partly yes, because it's not helpful to become paranoid, or overly self-conscious at work. However, whilst you may be in 'blissful ignorance', your manager may be sharing their opinion with others. Clearly, getting a reputation for being “difficult to manage” can definitely be a problem if you want to progress within your organisation.

I therefore believe that there's a huge benefit to be gained by those who are willing to take an honest look at their own behaviour at work - particularly in relation to their own manager, and to make changes to anything that they think is getting in the way of either their personal goals, or is making their workplace relationships less than productive/pleasant.

Here are a few examples of "difficult to manage" behaviours that managers have shared with me. Why not take a few minutes to consider your current situation from your own boss’s point of view, and see if there are any that apply to you..

1. Difficulty accepting authority
It is inevitable that managers will have a certain amount of positional power. However, some individuals have a general resistance to being told what to do, or they feel that their particular manager is not qualified, skilled or experienced enough to manage them properly. These attitudes are usually spotted by managers who are on the receiving end of arguments, heated debates, protracted discussions or direct criticisms from their supervisees.

Could this be you? Our advice: Accept the fact that your manager's job includes supervising you, as that’s how organisations work! Even if you're not impressed with your manager's skills/abilities, you still need to demonstrate respect by learning how to express your opinions without arguing or criticising, and by turning conflicts into productive problem-solving discussions.

2. Ignoring management requests
Many people avoid being confrontational with their manager, as they know this will usually not go down too well. So instead, they opt for passive-aggressive behaviours, where they express their discontent, or even their contempt by 'choosing' not to complete tasks to quality or to deadline, or 'choosing' not to respond (quickly) to requests. If their manager ever raises these lapses, the individuals involved often express shock and resentment, and have a long list of circumstances or other people to blame.

Could this be you? Our advice: It is unwise to ignore anything that your manager asks you to do. If you don’t have enough time, if you have other priorities, or if the request seems unreasonable, then you should express your concerns at the time, in an assertive, non-confrontational manner. Respectful renegotiation of priorities is much better than failing to meet expectations.

3. Complaining about colleagues
Managers really dislike having their time wasted, being dragged into what they see as "petty squabbles" or "personality clashes" in their teams. If you take too many of these sorts of issues to your manager to solve, you will look like someone who can’t work well with others, or who can't resolve simple conflicts.

Could this be you? Our advice: If one of your colleagues is frustrating or annoying you, then ask yourself if their behaviour is affecting your ability to do a good job. If the answer is “no”, then do your best to distract yourself, stop worrying about it and just let it go. If their behaviour is having a negative impact on your work, then you should attempt to work out a solution, preferably directly with the person concerned. If you are unable to find a resolution, or if the issue is so serious that need to involve your manager, then focus on solving the 'business problem', and not on complaining about your colleague.

4. Negative attitude
Some people just seem to have a negative attitude at work. They may not have always been like that - it may be the pressure of work, or lack of direction that has made them that way. However, to a manager, having a person in the team who regularly whines, criticises or blames is very tiresome. Even if there are potential problems in an idea, managers experience people who always spot the problems as problems themselves.

Could this be you? Our advice: Take some time to reflect on your conversations with your manager, and estimate the percentage of positive and negative comments/contributions that you make. If you do point out possible problems, then try to balance these by including some positive aspects, such as how much you're looking forward to the challenge. Also try to include some positive feedback and appreciation to your interactions with your manager.

5. Unreliable
All managers are concerned about meeting deadlines because they are usually judged on how well they/their team meets them. If you are consistently late with your work, then your manager will eventually stop trusting you with important tasks. Even if you produce work to a high quality, your manager won't appreciate the effort you have put in if it is late.

Could this be you? Our advice: If you are involved in setting or negotiating your own deadlines, make sure they are realistic and take into account anything or anyone that might slow you down. If you realise that you are not going to meet a deadline that you agreed with your manager, then let them know as soon as possible and suggest strategies for damage limitation.

6. Defensive
Most managers find giving feedback or constructive criticism the most difficult part of their job. What makes it more difficult for them is having individuals to manage who cannot take the feedback or criticism without leaping to their own defence. This can involve a range of different behaviours, from blaming others to blaming personal circumstances. While managers try to be sympathetic about these issues, they often resent having them used as excuses for dips in performance.

Could this be you? Our advice: Nobody particularly likes being criticised, or being given feedback - even if it is constructive. It is a natural reaction to defend yourself from anything seen as an attack. However, try to understand and accept the criticism from your manager's point of view first by asking questions. Then calmly try to identify the possible causes of the problem, as part of a joint problem-solving exercise. If you know you've made a mistake, then own up early on and make suggestions about how you rectify the consequences, or learn from it for future reference.

7. Lacking initiative
Although it may seem that some managers just want people to do as they're told, most managers actually wish that their supervisees could get on with the job, and use their initiative instead of waiting for them to provide the direction or motivation to act. Even though the team may just be trying to be courteous, the manager can end up feeling like they're the only person in the team who has any drive or commitment.

Could this be you? Our advice: Although it is wise not to tread on your manager's toes by getting involved in issues that are clearly not part of your remit, there are plenty of ways you can demonstrate your initiative. Begin by showing an interest in how to improve your current responsibilities. Make suggestions, but let them have the final decision. Avoid taking problems to your manager without at least one possible solution. You may be able to come up with something together, but at least you're not just waiting for them to solve all your problems.

8. Disloyal
Most managers see their team at work as a sort of family group, and as such they will expect a level of loyalty to the team, and to them as the team leader. If a manager is contradicted in a meeting with other departments (even if it is justified); or if they know that a member of their team has been complaining or sharing problems with people outside their team (even if they see it as 'de-briefing' or 'reporting'), then they will feel extremely let down and undermined.

Could this be you? Our advice: Understand the importance of demonstrating loyalty in creating a strong trusting relationship with your manager. Even if there are problems, make sure that whatever you say to others, you have already said directly to your manager. Even better, discuss with your manager how any contentious issues might be shared with others. If you can show your commitment to putting on a united-front, you will reassure your manager that they can trust you.

If you're a manager, we'd love to hear any other suggestions from you about what makes a person "difficult to manage" - and even better, your suggestions as to what they could be doing to become a cherished employee...

Can you be too Assertive?

A question I am ofen asked during training or coaching sessions is whether a person can be too assertive... I suppose the immediate answer is "Yes, definitely!" It is a common worry of my course participants that they will learn to be too assertive and will become a pain by being constantly "in the faces" of their friends and colleagues.

I have to admit that the idea of anyone, including myself becoming so clear about their "rights" and their "needs" that it scares other people off. Nobody likes to be bombarded with "me, me, me" do they?

However, I feel that the problem lies not with the model of communication we call "Assertiveness", but with our commonly held misunderstanding of the term. I remember on several occasions in the early days of my career as an employee, that a manager or a colleague would return from training all psyched up to be "more assertive". The problem was that the transformation was actually quite laughable. They would strut their stuff around the office, tell people in no uncertain terms what they wanted of them, and would have no problem in expressing their discontent about important issues such as washing up the tea mugs.... oh dear, it was truly a forerunner for the brilliant TV classic "The Office". If if wasn't so funny, it would be tragic!

So... what has been going wrong? Is it because people are so fed up of not being heard, of being a doormat and of not being appreciated that one word of permission to be assertive, and they swing to the other extreme? Or is it that they just haven't understood the true meaning of the assertiveness model, or how to put it into practice? I think it is probably a bit of both. Nobody likes to feel out of control of their own situations, and yet so many people find themselves unhappy with the impact of other people's power and control over them. Whether it's a domineering boss, or a pushy customer, or an insistant colleague... it's just so much easier to let them get away with it, than causing a scene or upsetting the equilibrium. The trouble is that when these issues are left to continue, resentment builds up. And a build up of resentment can often lead to either a spontaneous and embarrassing outbust, or (not so) subtle signs of irritation. Clearly, an unhappy situation. The solution? Learn to become more assertive of course! Oh dear - you can imagine another David or Davina Brent is born...

In my opinion, the real solution is definitely to become more assertive - but to learn how to do it effectively. The first step is in understanding that assertiveness is not just about knowing and asserting your rights. It is also about knowing and fulfilling your responsibilities. These being: to assert your own ideas and seek to get your own needs met, whilst valuing and respecting the rights and needs of others. Without these important responsibilites, any attempt to be assertive immediately becomes aggressive. For example, you may wish to take time off from work at short notice... previously you may have worried about it all day, and gone to your manager apologising profusely for the inconvenience and telling them that you understand if it's not possible. This is clearly an example of passive behaviour. Nothing wrong per se with passive behaviour, but the consequences are probably that you don't get your needs met. So the next time, you have a go at being more assertive. You go into your manager's office first thing and tell them that you'll be leaving early today. OK?... That's definitely more direct, and less grovelling, but without giving any option for the manager to have an opinion, or any recognition of the consequences is actually quite disrespectful and therefore aggressive. Imagine if you were that manager and had someone come into your office and speak to you like that! I wouldn't blame them for thinking that the assertivenss training was a bit of a mistake!

My point is that the second scenario is not a person being too assertive. It is actually a person trying to be assertive, but in fact being aggressive. True assertiveness is highly respectful, it involves clear and direct communication about needs, but it also includes empathy, and helpful suggestions, as well as leaving room for negotiation. In this example, a person behaving assertively would choose a convenient time for the manager to have a quick chat. They would briefly explain their reason for wanting time off, and would suggest how they could minimise any impact on the team.

So... can you be too assertive? I don't think so. In the same way that you can't be too respectful, or too balanced, or too reasonable. It is definitely time to understand the true nature of assertive communication, and to stop giving it a bad name, by mistakenly aggressing others in the name of assertiveness!

I'd be interested to hear your views and experiences of working with people who are naturally assertive, or who have really mastered the art of putting the theory into practice. Or perhaps you have a story to share about someone who transformed themselves overnight into a real life Mr or Ms Brent!

Building Trust and Rapport

An ability to establish rapport and maintain trust is a crucial 'soft skill' - particularly for internal or external consultants, advisers, customer service staff, negotiators, or project team members. Without trust and rapport, your attempts to influence will be severely hampered, and your ability to work collaboratively will be diminished.


This was really brought home to me recently when I received a sales call from a company who we have been advertising with for a couple of years. (They shall, of course remain nameless, but if you're reading this C, you'll know who you are...!) Anyway, in a nutshell, we'd agreed to advertise on their new website 2 years ago, with promises of great things (first mistake!). At the end of the first 12 months, no results - no enquiries, no stats to back up exposure... nothing. So we were told it was probably because we hadn't paid enough and needed to enhance our entry. "OK" I eventually said... lets try again... so I paid slightly more for a second try (second mistake!). 12 months on, and I receive the call asking for a renewal again. "Well" I say, "We still have had no response - my own website stats show no links from your site to ours." He went away and gathered some of his own stats: just over 300 people had seen our information on their site in the past year. His suggestion...? "You're obviously not getting enough exposure, so how about you double your investment and you'll be more likely to get some results...?"

Of course I was a little naive to accept the suggestion to keep trying a year ago for the same fee, but to double it this year!! I was horrified. He explained that there are no guarantees - I didn't say it, but I thought to myself: "Yes there are, there's a guarantee that I won't be paying you another penny, and unless I get something to show for my money over the past two years, I am guaranteed not to endorse your company to any of my associates...!"

I told him it was like telling someone who is losing at roulette to double their stake as this will enhance their chances of winning. The conversation went on, with him trying to sell me more 'product' and me trying to explain that this was no longer a sales conversation, but a customer complaint. 300 views in a year cannot be considered value for money. Fortunately I managed to speak to the Marketing Director, and we discussed the situation in detail. He empathised with my position and said he wouldn't insult me by asking me to 'throw good money after bad'. The good news is that the company is now looking for a way for me to get some results from the money I've already invested in them. The Director took the time to find out what the problem was and accepted that a) I was probably sold the wrong product, and b) I had not received any ROI. It won't cost them anything to put the situation right, but they'll keep a customer and potentially turn me from a complainant to an advocate. What a RESULT!

I'm still waiting for the final outcome of the above scenario, but I remain hopeful. It required a lot of persistence on my part, but actually it was a useful experience and it gave me a clear contrast between two intelligent articulate guys, one of whom broke my trust and destroyed any professional rapport he'd built within a few minutes. The other was able to win me back with his empathy, ability to actively listen and willingness to accept where they had made mistakes.

Here are some tips on establishing rapport and building trust - see how many you use to create strong professional relationships at work:

Establishing rapport is an essential part of any conversation. It helps to build mutual respect, and helps to move people away from suspicion and/or ritualistic behaviour. Rapport building involves building empathetic and respectful relationships and having an awareness of conscious and unconscious acts. Establishing rapport is the first step in any face-to-face encounter, and an essential part of any conversation. When you know a person well, establishing rapport can be immediate. With strangers, more time and effort is needed.

Tips for establishing rapport

Greet people warmly

Maintain comfortable eye contact

Radiate accessibility – show that you’re approachable

Use peoples names (not too often, as it can appear patronising)

Match your speech to the other person’s

Be aware of body language – try to be open, calm and confident

Share a little information about yourself in order to form a personal bond

Select appropriate topics to talk about – particularly during your first meeting

Encourage the other person to talk – avoid interrupting

Pay full attention to the other person – listen actively

Be flexible to the preferred style and personality of the other person

Be sensitive to the occasion and environment

When you are with friends, or in a social context, these skills are applied relatively naturally. In a work context, it is easy to let “professionalism”, formality or nerves get in the way. Remembering that colleagues are also human beings, with emotional needs and feelings should help to ensure that you apply the same rapport building skills as you would outside of work. There are a number of techniques that can be used to establish rapport, but they will only really be effective if they are matched with an inner commitment to use them appropriately and with integrity and discretion.

Remember that too much small-talk can be distracting and can slow things down when there are more important things to discuss. Try to find a comfortable balance between setting the tone within the first couple of minutes, and moving on to the matter in hand. If you appear to be too contrived, you will be thought of as manipulative and untrustworthy.

Trust is a reciprocal process that is at the heart of our willingness to interact with others openly and honestly. Our own experiences in life leave us with a set of beliefs about others’ intentions towards us, and this in turn affects how much trust we exhibit in others. Words such as naïve are often used to describe people who give too much trust in others and reticent and sceptical for those who show no trust. Getting the balance right is essential. A key factor of successful influencing is therefore to find a way of successfully getting the balance right.


Tips for maintaining trust

The following factors have been identified to encourage the trust of others. Clearly there are some that you can do less about than others, such as personal attractiveness or having a trustworthy role… However, you may find it useful to bear the others in mind when trying to demonstrate your own trustworthiness:

Demonstrating expertise, knowledge and experience shared with others

Having a trustworthy appearance (wearing appropriate clothes)

Being attractive to the other person

Having a trustworthy role, such as doctor, priest or lawyer

Developing an empathetic, respectful rapport

Being open and honest

Handling confidential information with sensitivity and respect

Keeping promises (only making promises you can keep)

Being fair, and avoiding discriminating unfairly or unlawfully

Taking responsibility for your actions/mistakes

Providing timely information

Being competent at your job

Being up-front and clear in your communications

Allowing people to make their own decisions (not being ‘over-pushy’)

Being comfortable with expressing an opposing opinion to your own

Displaying positive non-verbal behaviour, Eg: an open posture, eye contact, firm handshake

Offering unsolicited help with a problem

Listening to other people’s concerns, without judging them or their actions

Allowing people to involve you by providing your time selectively

Acting responsibly and professionally at all times

Providing timely information and/or resources to meet people’s needs

Providing people with honest feedback about performance

Sharing a business or personal confidence, but not someone else’s personal concern – that’s gossip

Keeping your promises, and only making promises you can keep

Acting consistently with your words – acting true to what you say are your beliefs

As with rapport building, there are a number of ‘techniques’ that can be used to establish trust, however they are unlikely to work unless you have a genuine commitment to using them with integrity and discretion…

We'd be interested to hear your own experiences of working with people who either a) have a fantastic 'knack' of forging strong working relationships, or b) have lost your trust in them by their one-off or ongoing behaviour. We look forward to hearing from you!