Are you considered "difficult to manage"?

I was asked last week by one of my course attendees: "How do you know if your boss considers you to be difficult to manage?”

Of course nobody would like to think that they're thought of as (or worse still, actually) difficult to manage, but it has to be said... I also meet hundreds of managers in the course of my job who are relieved to be able to share stories of all their 'difficult' supervisees. So it doesn't take a genius to work out that there's got to be some of us who are considered difficult, but don't know it.

It is understandable that many people would assume that they would know if their boss thought badly of them, but in my experience many managers avoid telling their staff what they’re really thinking - especially if it's not all that positive. So why would we want to know the uncomfortable truth? Isn't is just easier to keep your head down, get on with your job and deal with the day-to-day interactions without 'navel-gazing' or worrying unduly about what our boss might think about us? My opinion is partly yes, because it's not helpful to become paranoid, or overly self-conscious at work. However, whilst you may be in 'blissful ignorance', your manager may be sharing their opinion with others. Clearly, getting a reputation for being “difficult to manage” can definitely be a problem if you want to progress within your organisation.

I therefore believe that there's a huge benefit to be gained by those who are willing to take an honest look at their own behaviour at work - particularly in relation to their own manager, and to make changes to anything that they think is getting in the way of either their personal goals, or is making their workplace relationships less than productive/pleasant.

Here are a few examples of "difficult to manage" behaviours that managers have shared with me. Why not take a few minutes to consider your current situation from your own boss’s point of view, and see if there are any that apply to you..

1. Difficulty accepting authority
It is inevitable that managers will have a certain amount of positional power. However, some individuals have a general resistance to being told what to do, or they feel that their particular manager is not qualified, skilled or experienced enough to manage them properly. These attitudes are usually spotted by managers who are on the receiving end of arguments, heated debates, protracted discussions or direct criticisms from their supervisees.

Could this be you? Our advice: Accept the fact that your manager's job includes supervising you, as that’s how organisations work! Even if you're not impressed with your manager's skills/abilities, you still need to demonstrate respect by learning how to express your opinions without arguing or criticising, and by turning conflicts into productive problem-solving discussions.

2. Ignoring management requests
Many people avoid being confrontational with their manager, as they know this will usually not go down too well. So instead, they opt for passive-aggressive behaviours, where they express their discontent, or even their contempt by 'choosing' not to complete tasks to quality or to deadline, or 'choosing' not to respond (quickly) to requests. If their manager ever raises these lapses, the individuals involved often express shock and resentment, and have a long list of circumstances or other people to blame.

Could this be you? Our advice: It is unwise to ignore anything that your manager asks you to do. If you don’t have enough time, if you have other priorities, or if the request seems unreasonable, then you should express your concerns at the time, in an assertive, non-confrontational manner. Respectful renegotiation of priorities is much better than failing to meet expectations.

3. Complaining about colleagues
Managers really dislike having their time wasted, being dragged into what they see as "petty squabbles" or "personality clashes" in their teams. If you take too many of these sorts of issues to your manager to solve, you will look like someone who can’t work well with others, or who can't resolve simple conflicts.

Could this be you? Our advice: If one of your colleagues is frustrating or annoying you, then ask yourself if their behaviour is affecting your ability to do a good job. If the answer is “no”, then do your best to distract yourself, stop worrying about it and just let it go. If their behaviour is having a negative impact on your work, then you should attempt to work out a solution, preferably directly with the person concerned. If you are unable to find a resolution, or if the issue is so serious that need to involve your manager, then focus on solving the 'business problem', and not on complaining about your colleague.

4. Negative attitude
Some people just seem to have a negative attitude at work. They may not have always been like that - it may be the pressure of work, or lack of direction that has made them that way. However, to a manager, having a person in the team who regularly whines, criticises or blames is very tiresome. Even if there are potential problems in an idea, managers experience people who always spot the problems as problems themselves.

Could this be you? Our advice: Take some time to reflect on your conversations with your manager, and estimate the percentage of positive and negative comments/contributions that you make. If you do point out possible problems, then try to balance these by including some positive aspects, such as how much you're looking forward to the challenge. Also try to include some positive feedback and appreciation to your interactions with your manager.

5. Unreliable
All managers are concerned about meeting deadlines because they are usually judged on how well they/their team meets them. If you are consistently late with your work, then your manager will eventually stop trusting you with important tasks. Even if you produce work to a high quality, your manager won't appreciate the effort you have put in if it is late.

Could this be you? Our advice: If you are involved in setting or negotiating your own deadlines, make sure they are realistic and take into account anything or anyone that might slow you down. If you realise that you are not going to meet a deadline that you agreed with your manager, then let them know as soon as possible and suggest strategies for damage limitation.

6. Defensive
Most managers find giving feedback or constructive criticism the most difficult part of their job. What makes it more difficult for them is having individuals to manage who cannot take the feedback or criticism without leaping to their own defence. This can involve a range of different behaviours, from blaming others to blaming personal circumstances. While managers try to be sympathetic about these issues, they often resent having them used as excuses for dips in performance.

Could this be you? Our advice: Nobody particularly likes being criticised, or being given feedback - even if it is constructive. It is a natural reaction to defend yourself from anything seen as an attack. However, try to understand and accept the criticism from your manager's point of view first by asking questions. Then calmly try to identify the possible causes of the problem, as part of a joint problem-solving exercise. If you know you've made a mistake, then own up early on and make suggestions about how you rectify the consequences, or learn from it for future reference.

7. Lacking initiative
Although it may seem that some managers just want people to do as they're told, most managers actually wish that their supervisees could get on with the job, and use their initiative instead of waiting for them to provide the direction or motivation to act. Even though the team may just be trying to be courteous, the manager can end up feeling like they're the only person in the team who has any drive or commitment.

Could this be you? Our advice: Although it is wise not to tread on your manager's toes by getting involved in issues that are clearly not part of your remit, there are plenty of ways you can demonstrate your initiative. Begin by showing an interest in how to improve your current responsibilities. Make suggestions, but let them have the final decision. Avoid taking problems to your manager without at least one possible solution. You may be able to come up with something together, but at least you're not just waiting for them to solve all your problems.

8. Disloyal
Most managers see their team at work as a sort of family group, and as such they will expect a level of loyalty to the team, and to them as the team leader. If a manager is contradicted in a meeting with other departments (even if it is justified); or if they know that a member of their team has been complaining or sharing problems with people outside their team (even if they see it as 'de-briefing' or 'reporting'), then they will feel extremely let down and undermined.

Could this be you? Our advice: Understand the importance of demonstrating loyalty in creating a strong trusting relationship with your manager. Even if there are problems, make sure that whatever you say to others, you have already said directly to your manager. Even better, discuss with your manager how any contentious issues might be shared with others. If you can show your commitment to putting on a united-front, you will reassure your manager that they can trust you.

If you're a manager, we'd love to hear any other suggestions from you about what makes a person "difficult to manage" - and even better, your suggestions as to what they could be doing to become a cherished employee...

Can you be too Assertive?

A question I am ofen asked during training or coaching sessions is whether a person can be too assertive... I suppose the immediate answer is "Yes, definitely!" It is a common worry of my course participants that they will learn to be too assertive and will become a pain by being constantly "in the faces" of their friends and colleagues.

I have to admit that the idea of anyone, including myself becoming so clear about their "rights" and their "needs" that it scares other people off. Nobody likes to be bombarded with "me, me, me" do they?

However, I feel that the problem lies not with the model of communication we call "Assertiveness", but with our commonly held misunderstanding of the term. I remember on several occasions in the early days of my career as an employee, that a manager or a colleague would return from training all psyched up to be "more assertive". The problem was that the transformation was actually quite laughable. They would strut their stuff around the office, tell people in no uncertain terms what they wanted of them, and would have no problem in expressing their discontent about important issues such as washing up the tea mugs.... oh dear, it was truly a forerunner for the brilliant TV classic "The Office". If if wasn't so funny, it would be tragic!

So... what has been going wrong? Is it because people are so fed up of not being heard, of being a doormat and of not being appreciated that one word of permission to be assertive, and they swing to the other extreme? Or is it that they just haven't understood the true meaning of the assertiveness model, or how to put it into practice? I think it is probably a bit of both. Nobody likes to feel out of control of their own situations, and yet so many people find themselves unhappy with the impact of other people's power and control over them. Whether it's a domineering boss, or a pushy customer, or an insistant colleague... it's just so much easier to let them get away with it, than causing a scene or upsetting the equilibrium. The trouble is that when these issues are left to continue, resentment builds up. And a build up of resentment can often lead to either a spontaneous and embarrassing outbust, or (not so) subtle signs of irritation. Clearly, an unhappy situation. The solution? Learn to become more assertive of course! Oh dear - you can imagine another David or Davina Brent is born...

In my opinion, the real solution is definitely to become more assertive - but to learn how to do it effectively. The first step is in understanding that assertiveness is not just about knowing and asserting your rights. It is also about knowing and fulfilling your responsibilities. These being: to assert your own ideas and seek to get your own needs met, whilst valuing and respecting the rights and needs of others. Without these important responsibilites, any attempt to be assertive immediately becomes aggressive. For example, you may wish to take time off from work at short notice... previously you may have worried about it all day, and gone to your manager apologising profusely for the inconvenience and telling them that you understand if it's not possible. This is clearly an example of passive behaviour. Nothing wrong per se with passive behaviour, but the consequences are probably that you don't get your needs met. So the next time, you have a go at being more assertive. You go into your manager's office first thing and tell them that you'll be leaving early today. OK?... That's definitely more direct, and less grovelling, but without giving any option for the manager to have an opinion, or any recognition of the consequences is actually quite disrespectful and therefore aggressive. Imagine if you were that manager and had someone come into your office and speak to you like that! I wouldn't blame them for thinking that the assertivenss training was a bit of a mistake!

My point is that the second scenario is not a person being too assertive. It is actually a person trying to be assertive, but in fact being aggressive. True assertiveness is highly respectful, it involves clear and direct communication about needs, but it also includes empathy, and helpful suggestions, as well as leaving room for negotiation. In this example, a person behaving assertively would choose a convenient time for the manager to have a quick chat. They would briefly explain their reason for wanting time off, and would suggest how they could minimise any impact on the team.

So... can you be too assertive? I don't think so. In the same way that you can't be too respectful, or too balanced, or too reasonable. It is definitely time to understand the true nature of assertive communication, and to stop giving it a bad name, by mistakenly aggressing others in the name of assertiveness!

I'd be interested to hear your views and experiences of working with people who are naturally assertive, or who have really mastered the art of putting the theory into practice. Or perhaps you have a story to share about someone who transformed themselves overnight into a real life Mr or Ms Brent!

Can you "manage" your manager?

It's Monday morning and you can see the days ahead stretching before you... The thought of the weekly marathon looms, but you console yourself with the idea of a drink with your mates at the weekend. Your manager is already driving you mad. They’ve got you working on a massive and tedious project that no-one else wants to do, and now they’ve asked you for some vital information ’without delay’ that you simply don’t have. You’re not convinced that you can make it through the day without saying something you shouldn’t. You feel unappreciated, out of control and stressed …

Does any of that sound familiar? If it does, don’t worry, you're not alone: according recent surveys, 43 percent of workers interviewed say they do not feel valued by their employers. It's rarely the nature of the work, the long hours, or even the low pay that frustrates people - more often than not, it's the person's manager that sends them running to the job pages.
If you've ever had a bad manager yourself, you'll almost certainly have your own passionate views on the subject… and it won’t surprise you that ranked amongst the top 10 sources of stress and frustration at work, employees reported:



So... do you agree that you can indeed "manage your manager"? Have you tried any of the above tips and got a good response? Or do you think it's best to just move on when things aren't working? Let me know!


For more information on this and many other perosnal effectiveness topics, visit the H2 website at: http://www.h2training.com/

• feeling undervalued


• having no control over the working day


• their manager changing their minds


• lack of support from their manager


• pressure/unrealistic demands from their manager


• being put-upon by their manager


• bullying behaviour by their manager


• interruptions by their manager…

Of course, we'd all like to have the perfect manager, who is appreciative, supportive, honest and fair. But nobody is perfect, and very few managers deliberately try to irritate their staff! The good news, is that it's normally within your power to improve the situation. Learning what makes your manager tick – what they expect, what they need and what irritates them, can help you communicate better, and improve your chances of maintaining a positive two-way working relationship.


The idea of ‘managing your manager’ is a fairly recent concept. Traditionally, we are expected to pander to our manager’s every whim, waiting to be told what to do and how to do it. However, more recently managers and employees have begun to realise that this approach is not particularly rewarding or productive. Although the term “managing your manager” might imply the necessity to manipulate or control your manager, that isn't the case. Rather than being an underhand exercise, it is a way for employees to help their managers do their jobs better, and to have more control of their own work life. It is about seeing your manager as your customer. If there are disagreements or a lack of clarity, then it is about being proactive in trying to work things out in order to achieve a productive working partnership.


Begin on the right foot
Have a meeting with your new manager to discuss key issues and groundrules. These might include: your overall job responsibilities, your expectations of each other, your jointly agreed objectives, your company and manager's core values, preferred work processes and prescribed "best practice".


Have regular meetings
There are many managers who don't know what their team members’ roles actually require on a day-to-day basis. Although this is not usually because they don’t care (it’s usually about other priorities taking over), this can be very damaging to morale and leave you feeling unsupported. You should aim to set up regular meetings with your manager, and be prepared to take the initiative to request them yourself. Aim for weekly meetings to keep abreast of progress on projects and changing priorities. This should be in addition to your annual reviews and quarterly updates where you and your manager revisit bigger issues, such as your career goals and what you need to achieve them.


Work with them
No matter what your manager is like, recognise that it is your choice to either work with them or to work against them. However, it's a lot easier and less stressful to work with them! You probably already go out of your way to accommodate your clients or customers. So why not think of your manager as another client? They have expectations, and those should define what you deliver. Keep in mind that your relationship with your manager is probably the most important one you have at work - it affects your job satisfaction as well as any opportunities for promotion.


Take responsibility for your own development
Most of us want a manager who will support and develop us. However, unfortunately not everyone is so lucky. If your manager isn't forthcoming in getting to know you, then you will need to help them. Make sure your manager knows your accomplishments, is aware of the extra work you put in, and knows a bit about your personal life. It will help them to appreciate your efforts. If that doesn’t work, then you can try networking with others in your management chain. It’s unreasonable to expect your manager to be entirely responsible for accelerating your career: ultimately, it's your own responsibility. Remember that an expectation is also resentment waiting to happen, and it is very difficult to hide resentment.


Support your manager
Every manager wants their people to be on-side. Find out about their scope of responsibility, the number of direct reports, industry background and history within the company. Also find out about their own career goals, their relationship with their manager and any outside pressures. Placing yourself your manager’s shoes can provide insight into the demands they may be under, and will help you to gain perspective. Their bad days usually end up becoming your bad days, so it's best to try to avoid them. If they seem to have little time for you, consider whether they may be under pressure from their own manager. If so, offering your assistance can come as welcome news and be a source of genuine appreciation. You might overhear your manager saying that they can't get to that meeting, so why not offer to go in their place? In short, support any weaknesses you can, and as far as is possible, help them to look as good as they can be.


Don’t undermine your manager
Although you will probably question your manager’s judgments from time to time, it's important to recognise that their accountability usually extends up the corporate ladder, requiring them to consider the views of others. It’s also critical that you choose your battles very carefully. Remember Sergeant Wilson's pet question in ‘Dad’s Army: ’"Do you think that's wise, sir?" Avoid saying this or anything like it at all costs! You might think it, but be strategic and come up with a well thought-out suggestion and respectfully present your case. Then simply let them take it from there. You'll get nowhere forcing the issue - a protracted argument is the last thing your manager wants.


Work out the real problem
If your manager is driving you crazy, take time-out to consider what exactly is going on. Are they controlling and overly involved? Are they indecisive, hesitant, and vague? Or are they unreasonable, overloading you with work? Only once you know the real problem, can you begin to work out the solutions. Maybe they need to develop more confidence in you. If so, you should do all you can to prove your capabilities, such as asking for complete control over small tasks and gradually asking for more responsibility as you prove yourself. Maybe you need to guide your indecisive and/or vague manager offering specific choices and asking for clarification. If your manager is being unreasonable with their requests, you may need to discuss priorities, and seek alternative ways of dealing with anything you can't handle.


Learn from your experience
If things are feeling unbearable, then you need to stop for a moment and consider whether your current attitude could be feeding into that feeling. You may need to be more flexible, as this can help others to be more flexible with you. It might be hard to swallow your pride, but if you don’t try to make it work, it never will. Ask yourself and your manager what you could be doing differently to improve your relationship. Remember that the situation is almost certainly not going to last forever, so you can see it as a learning experience. With every manager you have, make a point of learning something from them, even if it’s what not to do. The chances are that you will become a manager yourself one day, so all of your experiences are valuable.


Be proactiveYou will impress your manager by pre-empting what they want/need. Make a point of spotting pieces of information they always pay attention to, or particular times they typically request a recurring report or assignment. Then you can begin to anticipate and meet their needs without being asked. You should also aim to update your manager regularly on progress with your ongoing projects – preferably in writing (email will do). If you can, try to include some good news. Put any really good news in its own message so they can forward it onwards and upwards. Also be proactive in asking for any resources you need to do your job to the best of your ability. Don't just wait for your manager to guess what you need. Let your manager know why you need whatever it is, and in particular how it will help you to do your job more effectively. Equally, if things are not going to plan, it's better to face the music early so that you can solve the problem together. Don't let things get bad then panic, feeling that you have to sort it out on your own.


Communicate effectively
Poor communication is the source of most problems in the workplace, whether it is minimal or non-existent information exchange, or just poor listening skills. If you can improve the communication flow between you and your manager, you will be on the way to a much happier time at work. If your manager isn’t forthcoming, try asking them for the information you need. Remember that face-to-face time also creates engagement and rapport, so schedule a proper appointment with them, telling them what you would like to achieve. Plan what you are going to talk about beforehand and don't leave until you have established what you want to say. It may help to have notes to refer to. If your productivity improves as a result of this communication, your manager will hopefully learn a useful lesson. If your manager is often away from the office, you’ll need to be creative in your communication methods. Get to know their timetable: try to find out when they will be in the office or if necessary, when is best to schedule in phone time.


If all else fails…
Sometimes, there is just no way to make the relationship with your manager work. Maybe you have conflicting personalities or work styles. Maybe you're in a dead-end position. Modifying your own style and behaviour to please them can be a big adaptation to make. If you've really lost all hope of improving your relationship with your manager, sticking with your job could damage your own self-confidence. So if you think you've reached the point of no return, and can honestly say that you are not learning or gaining anything from the situation - and it’s not just your issue - then you may need to start considering your options. Of course, if you're dealing with a larger issue, such as sexual harassment, discrimination, bullying, or privacy invasion, you should seek appropriate advice from your colleagues in Human Resources.