Is Social Media a new platform for passive-aggression?

So someone has annoyed you, upset you, angered you or insulted you. You've been on the receiving end of poor service, or you have been deeply disappointed by something you've experienced...

Do you:

a) Calmly explain the problem to the person and seek to find a swift resolution?

b) Tell them directly, in no uncertain terms how they've 'made you feel'?

c) Go onto Facebook and Twitter and share your experience/vent your feelings with everyone you know?

I recently stayed at a hotel the night before running a training course, and I could honestly say that I experienced all of the above emotions. It was a truly terrible night at a grossly over-priced and mis-marketed hotel. (and breathe...) As a trainer of "Assertive Communication" I am always alert to the possibility that my own behaviour might not always be as assertive as I'd like it to be. After all, we're all human! However, I do make a conscious effort to use my well-honed communication skills when in a difficult situation. They've often helped me to turn around a dynamic that seems to be spiralling downwards, or when I've had to deal with someone who's behaving aggressively towards me.

On this particular occasion, I began with option a). I gave the manager the benefit of the doubt, suggested there had been a mistake and hoped they could put it right. Rather than accept the opportunity to save face (they could easily have pretended there was a mistake!) he instead responded defensively. Being honest, I was probably so shocked that he didn't see any reason to resolve the situation, that I didn't stay entirely neutral. I certainly avoided insulting the manager despite his dismissive and sarcastic attitude, but I was still very direct with my criticism of the hotel. So when he continued to stonewall me, what did I do? I stomped off, ran a fantastic training course (yes, it really was fantastic!) and when I got home I reached straight for my keyboard and wrote a no holds barred Trip Advisor review, and posted a link to it on Facebook just for good measure!

Did it resolve anything? I don't think so. Actually I know so. Said manager replied on Trip Advisor by insulting my judgment and accusing me of being a liar and a spreader of negativity. But did I feel better when I wrote it? Erm yes.

So what's the point I'm making here? I guess that what this experience has made me think about is the way in which Social Media has given individuals more of a voice, but also a new platform for passive aggression. We can share our views and tip each other off about businesses and situations to avoid, and if enough people say the same thing, we can even effect change. But the downside, apart from the legal aspect of potentially committing libel, is that ranting on the internet rarely achieves much - apart from a short term satisfaction of getting our own back.

In my assertive communicaiton training courses, we examine the nature and consequences of passive-aggressive behaviour. This experience, I'm sad to say is probably going to be used as an example to illustrate passive-aggression.

There's something about the relative anonymity of the Internet, where people feel safe to insult or criticise others (fairly and unfairly) without having to look them in the eye. I'll admit to resorting to it, but only having tried the more direct, assertive approach which didn't work. A good excuse? Not really. My own professional training tells me that feedback (particularly criticism) should be given in private - and only praise should be given in public.

Maybe one of the benefits of communicating in this indirect way, is that it avoids physical bust-ups, but the emotional impact can be just as, if not more damaging. My heart goes out to children and young adults who find themselves bullied on the Internet, and to people in the public eye who have cyber stalkers and 'haters' who post disgustingly offensive messages on public forums.

So where do we draw the line? If I share my candid review of a terrible experience at a hotel, am I just as bad as the haters who enjoy spreading negativity? Or am I actually a conscientious traveller, who wants to share my honest views with others so they can avoid experiencing what I did? I know which one I'd like to think I am...

Let me know what you think!

Are you too polite to complain?

It's post-exam season here in the UK, so the teenagers are footloose and fancy free, without a care in the world, having a well-eared rest before they get their results...

Good for them I say, but for us commuters, there's a menace on the train lines: 'gangs (gaggles?) of yoofs' piling into the train carriages, weighed down with rucksacks, sleeping bags and 6-packs of larger - on their way to or from one or other of the plethora of music festivals... That's all well and good, but for those of us going about our daily commute, minding our own business (literally), the imposition of loud, not particularly entertaining banter, laughter and squeals is somewhat distracting and downright irritating. Unfortunately the UK trains are just not big enough to accommodate the influx of additional (unwashed) bodies. So what do you do (or have you done) about it? Nothing? Sit quietly fuming, counting the minutes down until your stop?

Yesterday I witnessed myself go through the initial dismay of "oh no, this ‘lovely-half-empty-post-rush-hour-train-that-I-chose- to-travel-into-London-on’ has been over-run with noisy teenagers"… to 10 minutes later, the utter irritation of: "How on earth can 6 people be so unaware of their surroundings, so disrespectful of other passengers right/desire for peace?"... And then I did something somewhat uncharacteristic - I actually decided to say something! "What?" I hear you say... "You mean you actually asked them to pipe down and they didn't stab you?!"


The reality is I made a quick assessment of the situation, decided that they were just ordinary, slightly hung-over young people on a day-trip together. They didn't look like a gang, or sound like a gang (not according to the stereotype in my mind, anyway). So I simply turned to one of the girls sitting next to me and calmly said (with a conscious disarming smile and non-confrontational body language): "I really don't want to be a party pooper, but would you mind keeping your voices down a little?" All 6 of them looked at me, somewhat shocked. I'm guessing because nobody has ever said anything like that before. After a couple of sarcastic comments in stage whispers to each other about having to communicate in sign language, or by passing notes, they continued their (somewhat banal) conversation at a much reduced, more tolerable volume and within 30 minutes they were all asleep! I caught the eyes of a few other passengers nearby, and they beamed at me. It felt like a 'take a bow' moment, but it was hardly an act of heroism. I simply overcame my British politeness, and put my respectful assertive communication skills into practice.


As I sat there, feeling quite pleased with myself (and sharing the fact on my Facebook status) a middle aged gentleman got onto the train and sat down next to me. He then proceeded to open a plastic bag and take out a strong smelling sandwich. Goodness knows what was in it, sardines and onions? Now this was really a tricky one. I know what it's like when you're that hungry, you've just got to eat. And sometimes you can't avoid eating on a train. But my goodness, please spare a thought for the people you inflict with ‘passive eating’! Did I say anything to him? No I didn't, I just slouched down in my seat and tried to breathe through my mouth and not my nose. It had already occurred to me that I might be a bossy control freak. One of my FB friends commented on my status update, likening me to "Victor(ia) Meldrew". I really didn't feel like proving the point by asking the man to take his sandwich elsewhere.


Perhaps you'd think that as a trainer of communication skills, particularly 'assertive communication' and 'influencing skills', I would have been in there, all guns blazing (not literally, I hope.) But actually, when you're sitting in a train, there's a strange unspoken protocol that we just shouldn't interfere with what other people are doing - even if it is antisocial. With my trainer hat on, I would say it's important for human beings to communicate and negotiate with each other to reach mutually acceptable outcomes... if we don't, then resentment really can and does build up and then the fall-out can be catastrophic. However, as an off-duty trainer I recognise that I am still often 'too polite' to say anything. And that's a good thing - I don't want to become a moaning 'grumpy old woman', interfering in other people's fun. But I do fantasize about a time when we human beings can naturally be a bit more respectful of each other, and to be able to politely remind those of their impact on us without fearing violence.


I'd love to hear from anyone who has tried with or without success to influence the behaviour of others - on a train, on the tube, in the cinema or in an open plan office...